Worthy

This is my new normal.

One day we were a family of three, basking in the general simplicity of life with one child.  Suddenly, as if by accident, we became nine.  Seven sons each with their own unique needs and personalities. Every day is different.  There are days when it is as though we have been together forever and it feels natural to see so many faces around the table.  Then there are days when the trauma of the past rises up and tries to rip us apart.  They are not always sure that they want to become a family with us, that they can risk loving us enough to let us parent them.

To love is to risk loss, and they are not always sure they can trust us that much.  We are driven to our knees in prayer daily, begging God for the wisdom and strength to give our sons what they need.  To help them to grieve their losses and move forward in wholeness.  To ignore their rejection as they try to protect themselves from our love.  To hurt with them, and play with them, and love them no matter what they do.

The journey of building a connected, healthy family is long and painful, but God is with us in every step. 

My eldest and I have already had "the moment"-- where we cried together over the time we didn't have each other, and I told him how much I love him and that I wish he'd been mine since the beginning.  I've cried over the few little-kid photos I have of them, wishing with all my heart that I could have been here for them during that time.  That they wouldn't have grown up here without a mom and a dad.

It breaks my heart that they grew up without me.

But I am here now.  As I told my son, "I am sad because I missed your childhood, but if you will let me, I want to be your mom and love you for the rest of your life."  And through his tears all my son could say was, "I've never had a mom like you."

For these moments we battle.  For the chance to show them the love of God through a mother and father, we are willing to fight.   

They are worth it.