Over this past month I have struggled. I have been angry, depressed, anxious, and fearful. I have desperately needed God yet been too angry to speak to Him. I have raged in my heart at the unfairness of our struggle to have more children. I have pouted and moped, and cried for hours, and pretty much been useless to everyone because of the state of my spirit.
The Lord has treated me with kindness through this time. He sent my inlaws to visit us and encourage us. He has waited for me to desire to break free of pain, instead of forcing me to let it go. He has whispered to me in quiet moments and in conversations with others that He is always here, and that he will not leave me. My journey is difficult for me, and different than so many others' that I see around me, but it is not the Lords plan for me to be jealous and bitter... His plan is for fullness of life, joy, peace, and power. I have acted like an orphan yet again, rejecting the plans my loving Heavenly Father has for me- determined that my plans would be better.
Please understand me. Infertility is a dream-crusher, like cancer, or car accidents. Statistics have shown that women dealing with on-going infertility have the same levels of depression of women who are dying of cancer. My grief is real, and my husband's grief is real. The stress on our marriage and family isn't something that can be solved with a cliche motivational poster of a kitten hanging from a tree branch or a judgemental reminder to "count my blessings". I understand how greatly I am blessed, and all that God has done for me. I really do.
My dream is to have a large family through adoption, and to raise my children to love Jesus. This is who I am and I don't believe for even a moment that God does not intend to fulfil that desire He placed in my heart. It almost kills me to wait...But... When I have my houseful of kiddos running around, and another big hardship comes... How will I show my children Jesus if I have not placed my hope firmly in Him. The choices I make affect the present, my tomorrow, and echo into the future. My first son is already watching me, testing the genuiness of my God. I must show him Jesus in my actions and attitudes... When it is easy to do so, and even moreso, when it is hard.
Last Friday I went with a group of ladies from church to the local hospital to bring some little toiletry packets to some of the patients. The hospital has such low resources there wasn't even toilet paper in the bathroom or soap to wash hands after. We went to the maternity ward, and before we arrived our little group was informed that some of the ladies had lost their babies. I figured I would look for those women and pray with them, but I did not know if I'd be able to find them. When we arrived to the maternity ward it was instantly obvious which women had lost their babies...the beds that lined the halls were full of bereaved women, and the beds inside the rooms were full of labouring women and newborns.
I prayed for a few different women in the hallway, and the Spirit brought peace to the entire place as we prayed together. The women's faces relaxed after we prayed and a couple of the even smiled. Then a happy new mother would wander down the hall with their newborn in their arms, as if to torture the bereaved with the vision of what could have been.
In that tragic hospital ward the Lord showed me a vision. A picture of me and the other ladies, walking through the hallway with the Spirit hovering behind us, completely covering us with His wings and with peace and healing going out from Him to every room. He wasn't all white and romantic like angels in pictures or anything like that though, He was fierce, like a warrior, ready to fight... Waiting for us to pray so that He could bring the peace and joy and healing that He already wanted to do bring.
In that trip to the hospital, and in my prayer times afterwards I felt like God was showing me a picture of myself one battle feild. I was being attacked from all sides, but when I called on the Spirit to help me I could ward off the "fiery arrows of the devil" and keep running. I realized this was/is an invitation.
I can choose to let the devil win the battle for my heart; to keep my depressed and angry. I can choose to drown in my grief. That option is usually the easiest choice, the most "natural" feeling. But... I can also choose to trust in Jesus. To have faith that no matter how long it takes for us to be able to adopt, or get pregnant, or any of the other things on my list of hopes... I will trust.
I will not lay down on this battlefield and allow myself to be crushed by grief and disappointment. My Father is with me, and He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world. I will choose hope. I will choose joy. For the sake of my own soul and for my children, both the one in my arms, and those I have yet to meet.
The Spirit is with me, and I claim my victory through Him. The devil tries to knock me down, unaware that he has already been conquered.
Though my hands may be weary and my knees may tremble, He will uphold me in my frailty. I have been knocked down many times, but through my Father I am will never see defeat.
If I fall, it is only to rise again.
steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”
-Isaiah 35:3-4 NIV
