The Extravagant Love of the Father

   It was lunchtime on Wednesday.  I had spent the morning in the DTS office trying to sort out our problematic visa application for Brazil.  I was feeling a bit frustrated by the paperwork, but was enjoying hearing Z talk about his morning while we waited in line to get food.  One of the front desk gals came up to me and handed me a piece of paper.  All it said was:

    From:  Shawn`s Dad. 
    Note:  We are driving down.  See you in the morning.  

   The girl said to me, "Yeah, he called and said that he got your letter and was just getting in the car to drive down here."
    I burst into tears.  I knew what was in that letter.  I knew what would drive my hates-to-travel father to get in the car and start a 16 hour drive to see me.  Extravagant Love.
   
     You see, a few posts ago, I wrote about our Freedom week class, and all the peace and joy I have found in the forgiveness of Christ.  What I didn`t say is that there were a lot of things that I had to confess about from way back in my life... things I hadn`t even told my parents.  So after Freedom week I wrote my Dad a letter that detailed everything I had always wanted him to know but had never had the courage to tell him.  I`d hoped that at least he would write me a letter in return... maybe a phone call.

     But instead, my dad recieved that letter... and he and my mom packed a bag and started driving.  On Friday morning my dad got out of the car and hugged me.  He told me he forgives me, loves me, and wants me to know that nothing I could have ever done, or ever could do will take his love from me.  He didn`t want to just call or write... he wanted to show up for me.
 
    In the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-31) Jesus demonstrated the extravagant love of the Father.  The son makes a ton of mistakes, ruins his own life, and then decides to try to go back and be a slave for his father... but then there`s the verse that I think is the point of the whole story:
   "And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him."

    When I was handed that note, I knew that this was how the prodigal son would have felt.  I was "coming home" from my sin, and even though I am a long way away from my parents... my dad saw me and ran to me.  

    My parents stayed for less than 24 hours.  The point was not to visit, the point was to demonstrate how great their love for me is.  While they were here though, we had the chance to go for a swim, eat mexican food, go hiking, and share with them all that God is doing in our life.  It was amazing.  I even got to take them to see my wedding dress (for our renewal ceremony).  When my dad saw me in my dress there were tears in his eyes, and when I told him that I was finally wearing white because I finally felt like God had showed me I am forgiven and worthy... he cried with joy.  

    This is the extravagant love of the Father.  

Dad and I swimming in the icy pool

Eating out at my favorite Mexican place in town

A family picture at the top of Indian Lookout

 

Ache

A Daddy and Z date:  Hiking up mushroom rock!

    I have actually been dreading trying to write a blog post this week.  There has been a lot of frustrations this week, with the continued adjustment to communal living (40 people in one house... agh!), struggling to keep up with schedules while still finding quiet time to be with myself and my family, and missing Z during the day... so it would be easy to write a snarky blog post all about how annoyed I am with life.  But that would be missing the point.  The point of being here wasn`t to live in luxury and party it up every day- the point was to grow in my relationship with Jesus, my family, and to discern the next step for our lives in missions. 

   By those standards... then wow, this week has been amazing. 

   Last weekend we began a three day YWAM conference called the Presence Gathering, where a few other YWAM schools came and joined our base for a bunch of worship sessions, intersession, and teachings by some amazing men of God.  The Spirit of God was moving so powerfully, and it felt like every day Dave and I were both getting prayed over by people who had words from God for us.  It was an amazing weekend, and what stood out the most was that the leadership felt that God was wanting to restore dreams.  So we had prayer times where we asked the Lord what dreams in each of our lives He wanted to restore. 

    Both Dave and I felt during that prayer time that God was prompting us to get beyond the disappointment we`ve had in the past of not being able to stay on the mission field and "start an orphanage" the way we always dreamed... and He directed us both to start praying about a base in Central America that we have been interested in for a while.  We both feel that He is calling us to that base as staff and we have started the application process.  We`ll see what happens! 

    This weekend I hid out from everyone for most of the time.  My heart was heavy with a weight that I struggle to put into words.  I feel such longing for my children.  Z will be such a good brother, and he is getting to the age where he asks me for a baby.  This week I asked him if he wanted mommy to have a baby (like some of his friend`s moms have had), and he said, "yes, I want mommy have a baby.  Five babies!"  I told him that we could pray and God would bring us another baby someday.  He and I prayed, and then moved on to talking about cars (of course).  Praying with him made me realize that although I still long to have another biological baby, my ache goes much deeper than that. 

    My heart is not satisfied to have a few children.  I want many children.  I would have felt terrible, and ungrateful about that statement before I came to YWAM.  I am eternally thankful for Z, of course; I was called to be a mother.  It is not a hobby, or a season of life for me.  This is my calling.  I have been wrestling with this calling for five and a half years now.  I don`t want just a couple kids... I want to raise up a nation.  I have tried to have biological children, I have tried to adopt, I have tried to go to the mission field and work in orphanages... and I have failed...

    But my failure has not taken away the ache of my arms to hold my children.  The tears in my eyes when I hear of a child who died without the arms of a mommy to hold him.  The fury in my soul when I hear of a child being abused or neglected.  There are millions of motherless children in the world, and I am a mother wanting more children... this should be simple.

    I guess the reason I get so frustrated is because I just want to be with them.  With my children.  And every day seems like one more day of waiting for them.  They are in my thoughts and prayers, they are like phantoms in my arms, and I feel the ache of their absence in my soul.  This time we will go to the mission field, and we will find our children.  There is nothing else for me.  I have tried to fill this ache with other things, but I am convinced now... being a mother to my children is my highest calling.

    My children are out there somewhere... and I will find them soon.  

        

   

Freedom Week!!! (and photos of our Santa Cruz weekend)

My Family!

Santa Cruz

Z and I enjoy the water

Sharing a cone on the pier

Z and Daddy building roads in the only shade we could find

Z getting cleaned up at the "little shower"

   So, we went to Santa Cruz for the weekend... all I can say is that the enemy really did not want us to go back to Chico for Freedom Week.  Z and I were both sick, we had brought friends along and were sharing a hotel room, and we spent both nights up with crying and coughing, and wishing we hadn`t driven all that way to be miserable.  But there were also great times, playing in the waves at the beach, shopping in the big city, and spending time as a family.  Going back to the base I was very upset, and I was close to breaking down... which I now realize was because I was about to be set free from a life of guilt and shame.  About to become alive. 

   

      This week we have been going through something called Freedom week.  We had time to confess things from our past, cut soul-ties, and find peace and forgiveness in Christ`s blood.  To accept God`s true love for us, and to believe that I am worthy to be called His child I have to renounce every lie of the devil I have believed.  The lies that I am unlovable, unworthy, and drowning in unbelief.   

 
     There was sin in my past which had made me hate myself for my whole life.  I have been on a path of self-distruction since my teens, and for the first time I was freed of that.  I accepted forgiveness from God.  Love from God.  My heart was returned to me from the places where I had given it away.  My soul ties to ex-boyfriends were cut, they no longer can haunt my marriage.  Our marriage was blessed, and we were re-united in purity.  The old is gone, the new has come.  
 

     And I fell in love with my husband for real.  I gave him my entire heart for the first time.  I tried to give it before, but I failed to realize that I didn`t possess it.  I had given it away because I viewed myself as unworthy, unlovable, unforgivable.  But God does not see me that way... and neither does Dave.  In Jesus` Name:  I am whole, I am loved, I am forgiven, I am worthy.  Because of the love of God, I am redeemed and I have a whole heart to give to my husband. 

   We are planning to renew our vows in a few weeks, and rededicate this marriage to God.  I am marrying the same, wonderful, man.  (Although he has been freed from things of his past and power prayed over him too!)... but he is marrying the woman he has been waiting for.  I am filled with more joy and peace than I have ever known.  

     That is a very quick description of a huge event in my life that happened this week... but it`s the best I can do for the moment... from now on, I`m the real Shawn.  Our teacher told us a quote that says, "The glory of God is man fully alive."   I am finally alive.  Fully alive and ready to live life to the fullest.  

    I am so ready.