Rise Again

Over this past month I have struggled.  I have been angry, depressed, anxious, and fearful.  I have desperately needed God yet been too angry to speak to Him.  I have raged in my heart at the unfairness of our struggle to have more children.  I have pouted and moped, and cried for hours, and pretty much been useless to everyone because of the state of my spirit.  

The Lord has treated me with kindness through this time.  He sent my inlaws to visit us and encourage us.  He has waited for me to desire to break free of pain, instead of forcing me to let it go.  He has whispered to me in quiet moments and in conversations with others that He is always here, and that he will not leave me.  My journey is difficult for me, and different than so many others' that I see around me, but it is not the Lords plan for me to be jealous and bitter... His plan is for fullness of life, joy, peace, and power.  I have acted like an orphan yet again, rejecting the plans my loving Heavenly Father has for me- determined that my plans would be better.  

Please understand me.  Infertility is a dream-crusher, like cancer, or car accidents.  Statistics have shown that women dealing with on-going infertility have the same levels of depression of women who are dying of cancer.  My grief is real, and my husband's grief is real.  The stress on our marriage and family isn't something that can be solved with a cliche motivational poster of a kitten hanging from a tree branch or a judgemental reminder to "count my blessings".  I understand how greatly I am blessed, and all that God has done for me.  I really do.  

 My dream is to have a large family through adoption, and to raise my children to love Jesus.  This is who I am and I don't believe for even a moment that God does not intend to fulfil that desire He placed in my heart.  It almost kills me to wait...But... When I have my houseful of kiddos running around, and another big hardship comes... How will I show my children Jesus if I have not placed my hope firmly in Him.  The choices I make affect the present, my tomorrow, and echo into the future.  My first son is already watching me, testing the genuiness of my God.  I must show him Jesus in my actions and attitudes... When it is easy to do so, and even moreso, when it is hard.  

Last Friday I went with a group of ladies from church to the local hospital to bring some little toiletry packets to some of the patients.  The hospital has such low resources there wasn't even toilet paper in the bathroom or soap to wash hands after.  We went to the maternity ward, and before we arrived our little group was informed that some of the ladies had lost their babies. I figured I would look for those women and pray with them, but I did not know if I'd be able to find them.  When we arrived to the maternity ward it was instantly obvious which women had lost their babies...the beds that lined the halls were full of bereaved women, and the beds inside the rooms were full of labouring women and newborns.

I prayed for a few different women in the hallway, and the Spirit brought peace to the entire place as we prayed together.  The women's faces relaxed after we prayed and a couple of the even smiled.  Then a happy new mother would wander down the hall with their newborn in their arms, as if to torture the bereaved with the vision of what could have been.  

In that tragic hospital ward the Lord showed me a vision.  A picture of me and the other ladies, walking through the hallway with the Spirit hovering behind us, completely covering us with His wings and with peace and healing going out from Him to every room.  He wasn't all white and romantic like angels in pictures or anything like that though, He was fierce, like a warrior, ready to fight... Waiting for us to pray so that He could bring the peace and joy and healing that He already wanted to do bring.  

In that trip to the hospital, and in my prayer times afterwards I felt like God was showing me a picture of myself one battle feild.  I was being attacked from all sides, but when I called on the Spirit to help me I could ward off the "fiery arrows of the devil" and keep running.  I realized this was/is an invitation.  

I can choose to let the devil win the battle for my heart; to keep my depressed and angry.  I can choose to drown in my grief.  That option is usually the easiest choice, the most "natural" feeling.  But... I can also choose to trust in Jesus.  To have faith that no matter how long it takes for us to be able to adopt, or get pregnant, or any of the other things on my list of hopes... I will trust.

I will not lay down on this battlefield and allow myself to be crushed by grief and disappointment.  My Father is with me, and He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world.  I will choose hope.  I will choose joy. For the sake of my own soul and for my children, both the one in my arms, and those I have yet to meet.

The Spirit is with me, and I claim my victory through Him.  The devil tries to knock me down, unaware that he has already been conquered.  

 

Though my hands may be weary and my knees may tremble, He will uphold me in my frailty.  I have been knocked down many times, but through my Father I am will never see defeat.  

If I fall, it is only to rise again.  

"Strengthen the feeble hands, 

steady the knees that give way;

 say to those with fearful hearts,
    “Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
    he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
    he will come to save you.”

-Isaiah 35:3-4 NIV

To My Forever Valentine

    2006. I was going to Guatemala on a missions trip and my parents wanted me to find someone to fly with.  I had written to the whole team of ten people and some guy named David had written to me.  We started writing back and forth to each other, learning about how we both wanted to have large families, loved missions, God, and wanted to do big things for Jesus.  After reading his third email I told my mom, "if this guy is good looking, I'm going to marry him."  Unbeknownst to me, he was saying the same thing to his mom about me.  We finally made plans to meet up and talk "flights".  I told him to meet me at the Tim Hortons coffee shop across from my workplace.  

   

     The night of our first meeting, I got to the coffee shop first.  Dave's best friend was coming to hang out too, since he also went to Guatemala on the same missions trip.  The two of them came through the door, and I saw David for the first time.  All I thought was, "That's my future husband."  

    Within three weeks we were talking about names for our future kids.  I was madly in love with Dave from that very first meeting.  14 months after that day we were married with my father officiating the ceremony.  I thought we would have a baby the next month, move overseas the month after that, and never, ever question if marrying each other was a good decision.  

     Fast forward seven years. 

     We are finally missionaries overseas.  We finally are parents to one of the multiple children we long for.  We have finally found healing and resoration for so much of the baggage we brought into our marriage (and when I say "we" I really just mean me).  We have found a way to work together and to enjoy each other's friendship in both the good times and the bad.  It has felt like a very long road. 

   Over the past years I have yelled at him, tried to convince him to leave me, and probably been meaner to him than I have been to any other person on the planet.  And yet... He is still beside me.  He knows the greatest mistakes I have ever made, and yet he forgives me and still loves me.  He has laughed with me, rejoiced with me when we had victories, and he has wanted to be my husband every day of our marriage.

   One of the days of our marriage we had faced another failed fertility treatment.  I was crying in bed, and I didn't want to wake him up, so I went and cried on the couch in the living room.  Suddenly I felt his arms around me and could feel that he was crying too.  We probably cried for an hour, and then we went to bed and fell asleep in each other's arms.  There was no need for words, only to be together in our grief. 

    Another day we were in the hospital, and I watched Dave holding our newborn baby son for the first time.  He cuddled him so gently, and then, as if it was the only response he had for all the love in his heart, he began to pray over Z's life, blessing him and praying that God would use him in mighty ways.  Words cannot express the joy I felt in that moment.  

      Another day we were at an orphanage, and I watched David sit with a group of seven kids, all of them sitting close to him, trying to see the pictures of the children's Bible he was reading to them.  He loves kids, and he wants them to hear about Jesus.  He reads the Bible every day to our son, and to all the other kids he works with.  He is already a father to the fatherless, and we haven't even started adopting yet.  

    I do not deserve the man who calls me his wife.  He is patient and servant-hearted, he is passionate about God and seeing lives transformed for Christ.  He is compassionate to me, and loves me more than I could ever have imagined possible.  He is my best friend and my true love.  

     When life got so hard I wanted to give up fighting for anything at all, much less our marriage, David never gave up.  He is a true man of God, and I am forever grateful that he chose me.  

     Happy Seven Years of marriage, my love.  

    

Our first week in Guatemala.  

The dating days

Engagement photo

Our wedding photo

On a weekend break during a missions trip to Mexico.  

We had just found out we were pregnant!  

Baby Z was born!  And we became missionaries on Quadra island 

Our little boy 

During our YWAM training we experienced a lot of restoration in our marriage, so we renewed our vows.  

The Power of Dreaming

    Literacy class is now in full swing!  We have five students and it has been a lot of fun!  The girls are all very eager to learn and all come from the same family.  The first class I started off with a devotional about the importance of dreams for the future and setting goals for ourselves, and about how God has plans for our life.  They each drew a picture of what they would like to be when they grew up. We have a future doctor, teacher, fire-woman, shop keeper, and car owner in our class!  

    Kids in Guatemala often have very few dreams, if any at all.  Dave and I frequently will ask the kids we work with in Puerto Abajo what they want to do when they are older, and very few of them ever have much of a response.  We believe it's important to dream, to reach for goals, and to trust God for the good future He promises us.  We have fun talking with the kids about stuff they like to do, and helping them build dreams.

 

     I think that is part of the wonderful thing about teaching literacy.  By reading we can learn about things that are outside of our day-to-day existence.  We hear stories of courage and we ourselves are encouraged to step out for the things we believe in.  Reading affects us deeper than watching movies, especially when it is a parent that reads to us,not only building character through the stories, but also good memories of times spent together.  My mom read to my siblings and I every day, twice a day, until I was around 15.  Those memories, and the stories she read to us, are a part of who I am... And I dare say, some of the better parts.  

    Literacy class is something I believe in because we are able to send the Bible into homes where it has never been before.  We give the mothers each a children's Bible so they can build those memories with their own children, and learn about Jesus themselves in the process.  I am really excited about this class of five young girls. Not only will their futures have more hope with a basic skill like reading and writing, but they are being exposed to the gospel of Jesus... And the power of dreaming and planning for a bright future outside of the cycle of poverty.  

   Please pray for our students, and for Eloisa and I as we teach and minister to them.  

 

We decided to celebrate the graduation of our two students from last year as part of the new school, to encourage the new students that they will one day be the ones graduating.  Dave made a banana cake (a big favorite from last year), and we had a little party! 

Olga receiving her graduation gift- a children's Bible with beautiful pictures.  She and her little boys will finally have something to read together!  

Eloisa and I with the new class of girls.  This class is five cousins, all within the age rage of 12-13!  It's a fun group and they are learning incredibly fast!  

The girls hard at work.  

It all starts with learning the sound of each letter.  

Back to School

    School... It is the theme of my life right now, what with the literacy class starting up next week, starting preschool with Z (homeschooling for the win!  Haha), continuing with my Spanish-language studies,... I decided to throw another class in there and sign up for with an online school to become a Doula.  Also, Dave is one of the main leaders for the upcoming DIscipleship Training School (DTS) which starts in a couple weeks.  It sounds like a lot, but so far I am learning skills in boundary-setting and learning to say no to other things so that I can focus on the things in my life that are most important to me.  I guess that's just part of becoming an adult- realizing I can't do everything! 

   

 So, for those of you are wondering what a Doula is... It is a professional birthing assistant.  It's not a medical position, it's basically being the expectant mother's supporter and helper through the entire pregnancy, birth, and post-partum time of a woman's life.  In my classed I'm learning things like good communication and active listening skills, how to help a woman make informed choices that support her personal goals, how to help during birth, and also the business aspects of being a doula.  In North America doulas can charge anywhere from $200-$700 for doula services, but of course here I will not be using it as a big money-maker.  I want to use it as a ways to minister to women during this important time of a mother's life.  I had a doula for Z's birth, and she actively helped me to work for the birth experienced I desired.  I gave birth to my child feeling empowered as a good mother, and ready to care for my child and bond with him.  Teenage pregnancy is huge issue here in Guatemala, so I would like to use these skills to help young moms who don't have family support, and also to help missionary moms who are going through the childbirth process without the support of family close-by.

   Oh, and our good news, unrelated to schooling is that our final piece of paperwork for our temporary residency is on its way!!!  We will hopefully have our temporary residency before summer!  Please continue to praying for a smooth and speedy application process.  

Z and I have finished our first week of preschool!  So far so good!  

Z puts a sticker on the chart every day after he finishes his school.  

Classic homeschool schedule includes kitchen duty!  Haha... 

Dave's birthday was in mid January and Z's was at the end of the month.  Dave made himself a cheesecake for his birthday, and we went to the beach overnight to celebrate Z's birthday with swimming and staying up late to watch movies.

Me studying... I'm now studying Spanish and childbirth, so it's a lot of homework to fit into Z's nap time!  

Jet Lag

Coming home has been harder than I expected, and yet easier than I predicted.  I thought there would be some fits of crying for my family, maybe even a sleepless night to waffle back and forth about if we made the right decision to come back to Guatemala... But there has been none of that.  What there has been is frustration.  Maybe it's culture shock... Or would it be reverse culture shock?

I figured that our spanish would come back to us the second we stepped off the plane.  Dave and spoke to each other a bit in Spanish while we were in Canada, as well as were in contact with our Guatemalan friends through Facebook the whole time we were gone... But to me it felt like I forgot everything!  (Keep in mind, I'm the one writing this, and Dave didn't feel this way.). I felt like the first week was going back to the first day ever, trying to remember simple things like how to say I was happy to see someone!  How could I forget so much in such a short time?!  

The second problem has been the fatigue... Part of my inability to speak Spanish has been my low levels of energy, I have napped almost every afternoon and gone to bed before 10pm!  I had no idea out trip had taken so much out of me.  Thankfully, my schedule has been pretty relaxed, and I have been catching up on rest and also on Spanish classes with Eloisa.  Today was the first day I didn't nap and carried a normal conversation in Spanish... Praise the Lord!  I was starting to worry... Haha...  

The easy parts about coming home has been the climate, of course, and being with our team again.  Living in community continues to be a joy, and I love eating meals together especially.  Our cook is still on a medical leave so Dave has been cooking for the base.  Being with Eloisa is wonderful as well, and we enjoyed going to her mother-in-law's birthday party on Sunday.  On Saturday we have will be celebrating a joint birthday for Dave, Ana, Damaris, Miguel, and Z... So many January birthdays!  It's amazing to realize that we have been here for more than a year... We celebrated Z's birthday with them last year too! 

I have started getting up early to pasture the raw milk that I buy from a farmer up the volcano, which has been a good practice for me, to have some quiet time alone to start my day.... Plus the sunrises can't be beat!  The room feels more like home with all the things we brought from our boxes in Canada, with more of our family pictures, and more of those little homey touches that let us know we have really MOVED to Guatemala.  

Jet lagged or not... We are glad to be back.  

My little milk business.  

Z playing "with" the bunny.  

My morning view.  

We are starting literacy class up again!!!! February 4!  Please be in prayer for our future students! 

Christmas in Canada

This morning I woke up in my bed at the base, the plastic store across the street was blaring thier music and I could hear the lyrics of " this is going to be the best day of my life".  I smiled to myself and though, yes, it probably is.  Then I got up and took the first cool shower I have had in a month... Which was a reminder that we ain't in Canada anymore.  

For the past six weeks we have been travelling and visiting many of our friends and family in the States and Canada, including at the YWAM base in California, friends on Quadra Island, and a couple churches near our families homes in BC.  We spent more than 96 hours travelling in cars, airplains, trains, ferries, buses and sky trains, and logged many hours on foot as well, including walks, skating, and even scootering (thanks Caleb!).  It was good that we did so much walking though because we also spent a lot of time eating!  Christmas meals with family were such a joy, and very delicious!  

We were so encouraged by the response people gave when they heard about our ministry and future dreams.  We were prayed for in front of three churches, and met with many friends and family.  We had such a wonderful time with our families, living for about three weeks with each of them.  It's hard to even describe how much fun we had with them all, spending time doing everything as meaningful as praying together to just hanging out and watching Dragons Den on YouTube.  Somehow though, it all felt pretty meaningful, just to be together and make memories.  I got to be with my nephew and got lots of chances to cuddle and feed and care for him in the morning when my sister was sleeping.  Z was so thrilled to meet his nephew and kept telling people that baby Jude was our baby.  It was adorable to see the two cousins together.  

    

    My greatest joy was spending time with family in the evenings.  We had fun movie nights, games nights, dates with dad at the movies and Tim Hortons, lots of conversation, and some pretty intense prayer times.  After the business of the days, with visits to churches and with friends (which was all amazing too!  We just had such a great trip, there wasn't really any bad times at...), it was great to come home every night to hang out with our families and connect with them.  

We have such loving and supportive families, and seeing them was like a glimpse of Heaven.  One day we will all be with Jesus forever and all of the work we did in the Name of sharing the gospel that took us apart from each other on earth will be nothing but a memory.  I love my family so much and although it was hard to leave them all at the end of our  visit, we came back to Guatemala full of joy to continue working and living here.  

Thank you to all who have supported us through your prayers, finances, and the encouraging words you had for us during our time in Canada.  We can't wait to see what God is going to do this year!  Happy 2015 everybody!!!  

  Z brushing Auntie Shannon's hair. 

Uncle Caleb reading to the cousins.  

   Me and the newest little man in my life, Jude.  

  My best friend Kim is a missionary in Africa... This was our first time together on three years! 

I wrote my first novel this year and gave it to my dad for Christmas!  

My cousin reading to Z. 

   Z with his Christmas gift from Kim. 

   Our open house.  We had a good turn out and people were very encouraging!  

  Z decorating cookies at grandma's house.  

  Helping grandma make dinner.  

Counting Down from 10...

 We are leaving for our Christmas visit home in only 10 days!  We have been here for almost a year exactly, and it feels extremely odd to be leaving our home to go... home.  I'm having some very mixed feelings, excited to see family, but nervous to leave our team and friends here, even if it is only for a few weeks.  It has been such an amazing year and is heartwarming to see how sad our Guatemalan friends are about us leaving... They all keep asking about when exactly we will be back!  It's nice to feel appreciated!  

   We have a suitcase of gifts for friends at home and Guatemalan items to show to our churches.  I will even be speaking at a girls group and telling them all about "life as a missionary". I'm excited to get to share our mission and life here in Guaremala.  We have such vision for this upcoming year, and it's the greatest feeling to know that we can spend time with family in Canada with the confidence that we will be returning to our beloved Guatemala. This is our first experience of being "on furlough"...kinda cool.

   Wrapping up our ministries and language classes for the year has been busy, as well as helping out in the base kitchen while our cook is on a leave of absence for health reasons.  Every day is different, full, fun, sometimes difficult and tiring, but always a reminder of how God has brought us here, is sustaining us, and is bringing us joy and fulfillment every single day.  We LOVE Guatemala!  

   Dave's dad and brother brought down our Christmas decorations when they were here in September, so I decided that Z and I should decorate our room... And then our friend Kalissa got on board and we decorated the base, made Christmas bread and pumpkin pie, and have listened to Christmas music for days... It's beginning to look like Christmas around here!  

Z without creative Christmas tree 

Z and Kalissa setting up the tree in the living room. 

Trying to take a nice family photo for our new prayer card... Hahahaahahaha..... 

Our certificates from finishing Spanish class!!!