Sometimes things don't work out the way we plan. Actually, that happens a lot of the time, and in those moments we have to trust that God will still take care of us and show us what to do.
This is one of those times.
We have decided to leave Lake Atitlan and move back to Antigua.
This decision didn't come easily for us-- we had a lot of dreams for what we hoped to accomplish with God at the lake. We went back to Canada and told everyone we saw about our work and ministry of prayer. We made display boards that were covered in pictures of blue water and colorful Mayan handicrafts. It was epic. We looked like really cool rural missionaries. We were the kind of people I would have wanted to be when I was young.
Now let me, Shawn, speak for only myself. Dave is that epic missionary. He deserves to have a book written about his ministry and devotion to prayer. He's amazing. I am different than he is though, and my giftings and personality didn't mesh as well with the situation.
The isolation was getting to me. I was scared of the street dogs and didn't have many friends. It was to the point that I was hardly willing to leave the house and I felt strangled by any unsolicited visitors that came to the house. I was drowning in loneliness to the point of not wanting to be around people at all (as if that makes sense).
I wanted to be more like Dave. Able to cope. Thriving in the face of challenge. But I couldn't.
I prayed. I cried. I journaled, and wrote a novel, invited people over, and even forced myself to walk to the market when I was scared. I wrote messages to myself on the white-board that said, "If you didn't leave today, you were a success". I was burnt out. I was unhappy and unaffective.
While we were in Canada, I was a different person. I was brave and vibrant and excited about life. I stood in the middle of our apartment (that my parents had kindly rented for us) and told myself, "You should enjoy this month here because you aren't going to be happy again for a long time." And yet, for Dave's sake, I agreed to go back to Lake Atitlan.
So how did we get to finally making a decision? I don't know exactly, but somewhere along the way to re-adjusting to life in Guatemala after our time in Canada, I looked at Dave and said, "I can't adopt children here. I can hardly take care of myself here. If having a big family is truly our greatest goal in life, we have to leave the lake." To which my godly husband said, "Let's pray."
And after a couple weeks of praying... we agreed, it was time to leave Lake Atitlan and build a more sustainable life in Antigua. Dave could continue the prayer ministry as usual, just in a new location, and I could raise Z (and our future kids) in a situation that would afford me a community and support.
Four days after making that decision we found out we had only six days to complete our permanent residency application (or be stuck waiting four years more!)... we rushed to Guatemala City and miraculously were able to apply in-time! We could feel God guiding us and advocating our cause. In the same week we also found a house that will be perfect for our soon-to-be-growing family, and found a new church that welcomed us with open arms and powerful prayer support.
... and that's my story. Sometimes it doesn't work out the way we think it will, or the way we say it will or even how we print 700 brochures to explain how it will. Life is messier than that, and sometimes it takes a bit too long for true feelings and needs to be addressed and discussed. But in the end, God is still good, still in sovereign, still loving. And I know that He goes with me.
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