Returning to Guatemala

    I have been waiting to get some wedding pictures up here, but we have been rediculously busy around here... and I have yet to get the photos from my friend who took them.  I promise though, that they are beautiful, and I will post a bunch when I get a chance... hopefully within the next five days because we are going back to GUATEMALA ON FRIDAY!!!!  (also, the Catching Fire comes out in theatres that day, but I`ll restrain myself from rambling on about that)
   
     For those of you who don`t know, Dave and I met because of a missions trip to Guatemala in 2007(we met four months prior, in 2006).  We loved the country, and planned to return as missionaries after we got married.  

Dave and I, October 2008

    That was us:  married for only eight months, we had sold most of our belongings and were leaving to Guatemala "forever".  We only lasted about a month.  We had gone without a team, training, or a solid foundation of life as a couple.  I was 19. 

    The crazy thing is that Guatemala never left my heart.  We talk about it like it was yesterday, although Dave reminded me today that it`s been over five years.  I can hardly believe it!  How has time gone so quickly?!  Now we have an (almost) three year old, and we are coming up on our sixth wedding anniversary.  I am so ready to return to the country that has such a hold on my life. 

    Now some of you who recognized the Brazillian flag in a former post might say, "Wait, I though you were going to Brazil for outreach???"  And you are right... we were supposed to go to Guatemala for outreach... but about two weeks ago we were having some problems with our visas... and I said, "I`m not sure I have peace about going to Brazil."  Dave didn`t really feel anything either way, travel is fun for him, so Brazil sounded like a adventure... but as time went on we both realized that we needed to figure out what God wanted us to go. 

     We spent a long time in prayer, and God gave us pictures and words which very clearly led us both to Guatemala.  At first we were quite devided, but the more we prayed the more peace we both felt, and the more vision the Lord gave us for what He has for us in Guatemala.  We felt a powerful draw in our hearts, and the sense that we were not just going for a two month outreach, but that our ministry there was further reaching than that.  We had to laugh, because once again we were talking about moving to Guatemala "forever".

    Once we decided to go to Guatemala for our outreach, then there was a big change in the entire team.  Within only a few days it was decided that our big team was going to split into two teams, with 15 of us going to Guatemala, and about 25 people going to Brazil.  It was a huge time of transition, but we now are part of a team that is psyched about going to Gauty too!!!  We have a passion for children and doing ministry to families, and I am so excited to see what God has for all of us!

    So we are back in that same place we were in 2008, with just a couple of backpacks (same backpacks!), and a dream to minister to the children of Guatemala for the rest of our lives.  This time though, we have a wonderful son, a team of good friends to help us get started, and leaders who believe in our vision and are growing and encouraging us in our faith.

    Third time`s the charm, right?

The Extravagant Love of the Father

   It was lunchtime on Wednesday.  I had spent the morning in the DTS office trying to sort out our problematic visa application for Brazil.  I was feeling a bit frustrated by the paperwork, but was enjoying hearing Z talk about his morning while we waited in line to get food.  One of the front desk gals came up to me and handed me a piece of paper.  All it said was:

    From:  Shawn`s Dad. 
    Note:  We are driving down.  See you in the morning.  

   The girl said to me, "Yeah, he called and said that he got your letter and was just getting in the car to drive down here."
    I burst into tears.  I knew what was in that letter.  I knew what would drive my hates-to-travel father to get in the car and start a 16 hour drive to see me.  Extravagant Love.
   
     You see, a few posts ago, I wrote about our Freedom week class, and all the peace and joy I have found in the forgiveness of Christ.  What I didn`t say is that there were a lot of things that I had to confess about from way back in my life... things I hadn`t even told my parents.  So after Freedom week I wrote my Dad a letter that detailed everything I had always wanted him to know but had never had the courage to tell him.  I`d hoped that at least he would write me a letter in return... maybe a phone call.

     But instead, my dad recieved that letter... and he and my mom packed a bag and started driving.  On Friday morning my dad got out of the car and hugged me.  He told me he forgives me, loves me, and wants me to know that nothing I could have ever done, or ever could do will take his love from me.  He didn`t want to just call or write... he wanted to show up for me.
 
    In the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-31) Jesus demonstrated the extravagant love of the Father.  The son makes a ton of mistakes, ruins his own life, and then decides to try to go back and be a slave for his father... but then there`s the verse that I think is the point of the whole story:
   "And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him."

    When I was handed that note, I knew that this was how the prodigal son would have felt.  I was "coming home" from my sin, and even though I am a long way away from my parents... my dad saw me and ran to me.  

    My parents stayed for less than 24 hours.  The point was not to visit, the point was to demonstrate how great their love for me is.  While they were here though, we had the chance to go for a swim, eat mexican food, go hiking, and share with them all that God is doing in our life.  It was amazing.  I even got to take them to see my wedding dress (for our renewal ceremony).  When my dad saw me in my dress there were tears in his eyes, and when I told him that I was finally wearing white because I finally felt like God had showed me I am forgiven and worthy... he cried with joy.  

    This is the extravagant love of the Father.  

Dad and I swimming in the icy pool

Eating out at my favorite Mexican place in town

A family picture at the top of Indian Lookout

 

Ache

A Daddy and Z date:  Hiking up mushroom rock!

    I have actually been dreading trying to write a blog post this week.  There has been a lot of frustrations this week, with the continued adjustment to communal living (40 people in one house... agh!), struggling to keep up with schedules while still finding quiet time to be with myself and my family, and missing Z during the day... so it would be easy to write a snarky blog post all about how annoyed I am with life.  But that would be missing the point.  The point of being here wasn`t to live in luxury and party it up every day- the point was to grow in my relationship with Jesus, my family, and to discern the next step for our lives in missions. 

   By those standards... then wow, this week has been amazing. 

   Last weekend we began a three day YWAM conference called the Presence Gathering, where a few other YWAM schools came and joined our base for a bunch of worship sessions, intersession, and teachings by some amazing men of God.  The Spirit of God was moving so powerfully, and it felt like every day Dave and I were both getting prayed over by people who had words from God for us.  It was an amazing weekend, and what stood out the most was that the leadership felt that God was wanting to restore dreams.  So we had prayer times where we asked the Lord what dreams in each of our lives He wanted to restore. 

    Both Dave and I felt during that prayer time that God was prompting us to get beyond the disappointment we`ve had in the past of not being able to stay on the mission field and "start an orphanage" the way we always dreamed... and He directed us both to start praying about a base in Central America that we have been interested in for a while.  We both feel that He is calling us to that base as staff and we have started the application process.  We`ll see what happens! 

    This weekend I hid out from everyone for most of the time.  My heart was heavy with a weight that I struggle to put into words.  I feel such longing for my children.  Z will be such a good brother, and he is getting to the age where he asks me for a baby.  This week I asked him if he wanted mommy to have a baby (like some of his friend`s moms have had), and he said, "yes, I want mommy have a baby.  Five babies!"  I told him that we could pray and God would bring us another baby someday.  He and I prayed, and then moved on to talking about cars (of course).  Praying with him made me realize that although I still long to have another biological baby, my ache goes much deeper than that. 

    My heart is not satisfied to have a few children.  I want many children.  I would have felt terrible, and ungrateful about that statement before I came to YWAM.  I am eternally thankful for Z, of course; I was called to be a mother.  It is not a hobby, or a season of life for me.  This is my calling.  I have been wrestling with this calling for five and a half years now.  I don`t want just a couple kids... I want to raise up a nation.  I have tried to have biological children, I have tried to adopt, I have tried to go to the mission field and work in orphanages... and I have failed...

    But my failure has not taken away the ache of my arms to hold my children.  The tears in my eyes when I hear of a child who died without the arms of a mommy to hold him.  The fury in my soul when I hear of a child being abused or neglected.  There are millions of motherless children in the world, and I am a mother wanting more children... this should be simple.

    I guess the reason I get so frustrated is because I just want to be with them.  With my children.  And every day seems like one more day of waiting for them.  They are in my thoughts and prayers, they are like phantoms in my arms, and I feel the ache of their absence in my soul.  This time we will go to the mission field, and we will find our children.  There is nothing else for me.  I have tried to fill this ache with other things, but I am convinced now... being a mother to my children is my highest calling.

    My children are out there somewhere... and I will find them soon.  

        

   

Freedom Week!!! (and photos of our Santa Cruz weekend)

My Family!

Santa Cruz

Z and I enjoy the water

Sharing a cone on the pier

Z and Daddy building roads in the only shade we could find

Z getting cleaned up at the "little shower"

   So, we went to Santa Cruz for the weekend... all I can say is that the enemy really did not want us to go back to Chico for Freedom Week.  Z and I were both sick, we had brought friends along and were sharing a hotel room, and we spent both nights up with crying and coughing, and wishing we hadn`t driven all that way to be miserable.  But there were also great times, playing in the waves at the beach, shopping in the big city, and spending time as a family.  Going back to the base I was very upset, and I was close to breaking down... which I now realize was because I was about to be set free from a life of guilt and shame.  About to become alive. 

   

      This week we have been going through something called Freedom week.  We had time to confess things from our past, cut soul-ties, and find peace and forgiveness in Christ`s blood.  To accept God`s true love for us, and to believe that I am worthy to be called His child I have to renounce every lie of the devil I have believed.  The lies that I am unlovable, unworthy, and drowning in unbelief.   

 
     There was sin in my past which had made me hate myself for my whole life.  I have been on a path of self-distruction since my teens, and for the first time I was freed of that.  I accepted forgiveness from God.  Love from God.  My heart was returned to me from the places where I had given it away.  My soul ties to ex-boyfriends were cut, they no longer can haunt my marriage.  Our marriage was blessed, and we were re-united in purity.  The old is gone, the new has come.  
 

     And I fell in love with my husband for real.  I gave him my entire heart for the first time.  I tried to give it before, but I failed to realize that I didn`t possess it.  I had given it away because I viewed myself as unworthy, unlovable, unforgivable.  But God does not see me that way... and neither does Dave.  In Jesus` Name:  I am whole, I am loved, I am forgiven, I am worthy.  Because of the love of God, I am redeemed and I have a whole heart to give to my husband. 

   We are planning to renew our vows in a few weeks, and rededicate this marriage to God.  I am marrying the same, wonderful, man.  (Although he has been freed from things of his past and power prayed over him too!)... but he is marrying the woman he has been waiting for.  I am filled with more joy and peace than I have ever known.  

     That is a very quick description of a huge event in my life that happened this week... but it`s the best I can do for the moment... from now on, I`m the real Shawn.  Our teacher told us a quote that says, "The glory of God is man fully alive."   I am finally alive.  Fully alive and ready to live life to the fullest.  

    I am so ready.  

Spanish Church, Cold Swims, and another Busy Week

      This week has been a bit of a blur.  Days have begun to run together, and I am appreciating the four letters TGIF.  Z has been struggling a bit with being apart from me most of the day, and I have a hard time with it as well.  Thankfully, I have figured out how to get my work duties done before he`s up from his nap most days, so that once he`s awake, he and I have the rest of the day together.  The weekends have become precious because I can be with him more.  

        In class we had a speaker who taught about hearing the voice of God.  It was a good class, and we had lots of time for discussion and prayer throughout the week.  I have realized that I have a passion for intercession, and I look forward to the base-wide intercession mornings on Wed/Friday.  

       Dave and I did not go on local outreach this Friday, which surprised me in some ways, because I had felt that our time in the bar last Friday went so well.  God spoke to my heart throughout the week though, and I realized that I had been excited about that style of evangelism because it worked for someone else, but not because I was truly passionate about it.  That is probably the thing I`ve been struggling with the most: feeling like I`m still waiting to do what I really want to be doing-working with orphans.  I hope that on our big Outreach that we will get to visit lots of orphanages, but it sounds like we`ll be doing a lot of street evangelism... God is going to have to work in my heart because that`s truly not a passion of mine.  

      Team living is going well.  We seem to have ironed out a few of the original challenges... either that or I`ve just started turning a blind eye to them.  Probably that.  My attitude has changed though towards my work duties (cleaning the Lodge where we all live), and on Friday I cleaned up with a joyful heart and felt happy to serve my team in that way.  What a shift from Monday where I basically grumbled the whole time about messy slobs... God has changed my heart and given me love for my teammates, praise the Lord!  

      For church today we attended a Spanish-speaking congregation, which shares a campus with an English-speaking church.  The Sunday school is in English, and is a wonderful program, so I am happy that Z can go to it!  They send home papers to help us re-enforce what he`s learned about, and I am shocked at how much of his lessons he remembers!  He really likes going to Sunday school, and it makes me so proud to see him walk bravely into class without a tear.  We also loved the Spanish service and were amazed at how much we understood!  We really do love Latinos!  

       Well, please keep praying for us to have unity as a team, unity in our marriage (marriage-focused classes this week!), enough time with our son, and guidance and peace about our future... and also, please pray that God will bless us with another child... somehow I thought being busy would take my mind off of the ache in my heart, but in so many ways it just makes my pain worse, because now I`m not even with my one living child.  Please pray for my grieving heart in this matter.  

Dave at work duty, with our team leader Jake in the background

My cutie in the sand pile

Can you guess where we`re going on Outreach???

Z and his bestie Kyla (he`s "helping" her do homework)

Heaven and I during our very cold sunset swim

Just a Few Photos

The scrapbooking room with some of my team people

the living room in the lodge (where our team lives)

the kitchen in the lodge

a rainy day hike to the three crosses with Jeremiah and Kyla (rainbow!)

A view of the three crosses and the base below

Long Days, Short Weeks

    Every day I hit the ground running at 6:06am (I add that 6 minutes to the alarm so I don't feel that it's so close to 5am), and get prepped for the day quietly so as not to wake my adorable little boy sleeping in his playpen.  Dave gets up at the last possible minute, usually while I'm "nattering in his ear" that he needs to help me get Z ready.  After breakfast as a family in the lodge, Z is off with Katie for the morning and Dave and I head to the prayer room and do devotions.  Around that time the sun is just peeking over the top of the ridge behind the Hotel, making me realize how early we have started our day... and just how excited I am for another day at YWAM!
 
    This week we had a teacher named Joe, who spoke about the Father Heart of God.  His teaching opened my eyes to the shame and self-condemnation that I have lived with for the past few years.  One day as Joe was teaching I was so overwhelmed I had to excuse myself because I was crying so hard.  God gently touched my heart and told me that I have not been living in the freedom that He wants to offer me.  I have been living with guilt, and serving Him because He is God and I know He is the only One worth living for... but holding Him and His love at arm's length, because I felt so unworthy of true love from Him.

     We also had teaching on signs and wonders of the Holy Spirit this week which challenged my thinking about healings, speaking in tongues, and other works of the Spirit in our current day.  The Holy Spirit is moving and working at this base, and we have seen healings and people have been given the gift of tongues during the last week.  It's amazing to be somewhere where the Spirit is talked about just as frequently as Jesus and the Father... and we are seeing first hand the life of power that we have been called to walk in!  Praise God!   

    Every Friday we go downtown and do an outreach to the local street people and partyers that are hanging out down there.  Last week I went with the group that was talking to street people and praying for healings and such.  It was a good night, but then this week our teacher talked about how he and his wife had realized that they had no unsaved friends.  He talked about how they had started going to the bar every weekend and making friends, not drinking, just being a light in a dark place.  To date, he and his wife have more that 150unsaved friends and they have had the chance to share the gospel with almost all of them!  A few have even accepted Christ and have asked that they start a church!
 
   I was so inspired by their story of being like Jesus:  a friend of sinners... so this Friday Dave, Stian (another student in our DTS), and I spent the evening in a bar.  We all connected with people, got to share friendship, drinks (Sprite for the win!), and got phone numbers of a few people.  We are planning to go back next Friday and continue the work that God has begun in our new friend's lives.  We carry the Spirit of God within us, and we took that Spirit into the bar- so amazing to be a torch for the light of God!  It was a great night of friendship ministry.

    Every day is hard, and tiring, and stretching, and seems very long... but then I get to the end of the week and I take a deep breath... and suddenly the week seems very short, and I am hungry for more of what God has for us here.  Please keep praying for us!  Next week:  hearing the voice of God... it's gonna be EPIC!