I have been
hiding.
In a moment
of weariness, ministry burn-out, and fear of the unknown, we made a hasty
decision and fled from Guatemala. The
final crisis was built up of a thousand mistakes along the way: never taking time to rest, unresolved
infertility grief, and being completely unprepared for the intense struggle of
parenting six traumatised teenagers. We
went in with arms open, hearts trusting that love would be enough. That we’d figure it out along the way. But in the end, we caused our boys additional
pain.
We wanted to
be the perfect parents. To create a
perfect home where the boys would desire to be, and to love the hurt out of
them in the blanket of our parental affection.
We were overconfident, trying too much too soon and becoming too easily
frustrated by the setbacks in bonding with the boys. We were stretched thin emotionally before
we’d even begun this extreme parenting, unable to see that we were on a
collision course. We expected too
much—of ourselves, the boys, and the situation—and finally, when it exploded,
we took the last remaining lifeboat and abandoned ship.
We came back
to Canada in early November, 2017. At
first we were too numb to feel anything, and when we did think about the boys,
or about Guatemala, we could only cry.
The life we’d spent four years building in Guatemala was suddenly over,
and we’d lost everything that mattered most to us. Worst of all, it was by our own choice. Our own fault.
It took Dave
three months to find work. We lived with
family, struggling with simple things like how to order coffee or be part of a
church service. Nothing felt good
anymore. We tried to press forward, to
find a way to forget the six boys we’d left behind. If we could get far enough away from the
memories, Guatemala would fade in our hearts.
We’d find a new dream. A new
passion.
But that
hasn’t happened. The longer we are here,
the more comfortable and normal our life becomes, the stronger the desire to go
back to Guatemala becomes. Those boys
were our sons, and working with them was our passion. It was our life’s calling cut short.
On our final day with the boys, there was a
football tournament for Zane and Wisly’s football team. Our whole family spent the morning at the
football arena, and then we took all the boys to Pollo Campero for lunch. Sitting around the table felt surreal,
knowing that we’d never be this family again.
The boys messed around in the car on the way back to the orphanage,
teasing Zane until he was upset and
crying. I was frustrated, feeling a
sickening blend of anger at their behaviour, and heartbroken that my role as
their mom was about to be over. I didn’t
need to discipline them for being obnoxious in the car—that wasn’t my job
anymore.
We want our
job back.
The longer
we are in Canada, and the more options career options we look into for the
future, we know that we have already found the work we are intended to do. We want to return to Guatemala and work with
children at risk, most likely with the same organisation we worked with
before. We can’t get our sons back, and
be the family we were before, but we can live near those boys and be a part of
their lives again. We can make good on
our promises to love them for life.
The road
back will not be quick, we know that much.
We left Guatemala when and how we did because we were in crisis—and we
want to return healthy, with hope for a long career working with children at
risk. We feel the first step is to
become better educated, and so we have begun looking into Bible school and
counselling programs. We are also looking
for courses on working with traumatised children. Schooling is only the first of many steps we
will have to take before we are boarding a plane to Guatemala, but we feel
peace in our hearts that God is with us and guiding our journey.
When we
arrived in Canada it felt like our life was ruined. We couldn’t hear God’s voice and we felt
afraid, and alone, and ashamed. Only now
are we beginning to feel hope for the future.
It hasn’t been easy to keep trusting Him, but as always, God is proving
His faithfulness.
Our story
isn’t over yet.
